A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.
The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.
Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his ‘time machine power unit’, a device that resembled a kitchen blender.
Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”
This isn’t the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so “abhorrent” that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.
Professor Brian Cox, a CERN physicist and full-time rock’n’roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. “Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn’t mention bloody black holes.”
Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.
Shame on Brazil: Forceful Removal of Indigenous Group Stains World Cup With the Blood of 500 Years of Genocide
While nations competed to go to the 2014 World Cup in Brazil on Friday, more than Brazil’s Indigenous Peoples were clashing with police over a building they’ve used as a community center in Rio de Janeiro for almost 30 years.
With the World Cup and the Olympics around the corner, local authorities have been under pressure from FIFA and International Olympic Committee to make room for housing, parking and administrative offices.
It so happens the space in question is literally steps from the famous Maracanã Stadium and was designated to become a parking lot by the World Cup organizing committee. However, leaders of Aldeia Maracanã (Maracanã Village), the group living in the building that was formerly the National Indigenous Museum, had plans to make their presence permanent and covert the space into an Indigenous school.
The forced removal of Native Brazilians by police was characterized by Aldeia Maracanã leaders as part of “513 years of struggle.”
Brazilian authorities, World Cup and Olympic organizers need to know the world is watching. This blog and many of our readers are very upset that our brothers and sisters in Brazil were treated as foreigners on their own land and violently removed from their center.
We demand accommodations be made for the Aldeia Maracanã to return and for resources to be appropriated for the establishment of an Indigenous cultural and academic center within sight of Maracanã Stadium, so that locals and tourists are forever reminded that the country’s original inhabitants are still very much alive and present in Brazil.